“????” – that’s what I wrote in
my journal today after reading a passage in Matthew. This book has so
many red letters of truth, and yet I found myself asking more questions after I
closed my Bible. As I thought about how the Bible gives many more questions
than answers, I remembered how life is very much the same way. And still, immediately, I think of the tragedy with my beloved brother-in-law, and so quickly
think, “Why are things the way they are? Why are they not yet redeemed?”
A few weeks ago I heard a message
based off of the verse in Esther that talks about how we were created for such
a time as this (Esther 4:14). The man speaking emphasized that we are the plan
that God has for showing people that he is a good God. He must have said it a
million times in the message. We are the plan. And at the time, hearing
that was so healing for my spirit that I sat and cried, but when I thought
about it today, I was just at a loss. We’re the plan? We are? Really, God? That’s
the best you can come up with?
I know God’s plan happens through
people but I also just long for the day when redemption comes to its fullness
in a way that humans can’t quite do. I long for it. And I don’t resent the
questions but I also just don’t quite understand.
Why do you have hope in us, God? Why? We screw up. Why trust people, who can become so tainted that they believe killing
can bring more good than reconciliation? Why trust people, who have untrue motives
and who have cancer and who get tempers and who get tired and who have what
seems to be very limited power? Why do you put your trust in us?
I guess so that when something
good and true happens, all credit goes to You. That’s all I can come up with. When
I am human and all the things that I hate, help me to remember I’m created in
your image. And that I will do greater things than Jesus. And that you trust
me. And that you have a plan. And it’s me. And I don’t understand, but somehow you make beauty for ashes with fools like me.
