trust

“????” – that’s what I wrote in my journal today after reading a passage in Matthew. This book has so many red letters of truth, and yet I found myself asking more questions after I closed my Bible. As I thought about how the Bible gives many more questions than answers, I remembered how life is very much the same way. And still, immediately, I think of the tragedy with my beloved brother-in-law, and so quickly think, “Why are things the way they are? Why are they not yet redeemed?”

A few weeks ago I heard a message based off of the verse in Esther that talks about how we were created for such a time as this (Esther 4:14). The man speaking emphasized that we are the plan that God has for showing people that he is a good God. He must have said it a million times in the message. We are the plan. And at the time, hearing that was so healing for my spirit that I sat and cried, but when I thought about it today, I was just at a loss. We’re the plan? We are? Really, God? That’s the best you can come up with?

I know God’s plan happens through people but I also just long for the day when redemption comes to its fullness in a way that humans can’t quite do. I long for it. And I don’t resent the questions but I also just don’t quite understand.

Why do you have hope in us, God? Why? We screw up. Why trust people, who can become so tainted that they believe killing can bring more good than reconciliation? Why trust people, who have untrue motives and who have cancer and who get tempers and who get tired and who have what seems to be very limited power? Why do you put your trust in us?

I guess so that when something good and true happens, all credit goes to You. That’s all I can come up with. When I am human and all the things that I hate, help me to remember I’m created in your image. And that I will do greater things than Jesus. And that you trust me. And that you have a plan. And it’s me. And I don’t understand, but somehow you make beauty for ashes with fools like me. 

i'm one of them

“Only tears know how to remind us we all break the same.” -Mutemath

Lots of tears have been shed over the past month and a half. Many of them have been sad tears. Some of them have been happy tears. Other times, they’ve been healing tears. But really, I have just been crying a lot. 

I realized just how much I had been crying when a couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting in church and listening to the message and felt the ducts in my eyes filling up. And normally I would have tried my best to push them back and fight to keep a straight face, but this time I just let the tears come freely. And the people around me had no idea why, but I did it anyway, not quieting my sniffles and not stifling my emotions. 

This is something new to me. I am used to crying when things get really bad. And that’s about it. Up until a few weeks ago, I apologized for crying in front of others. I didn’t want to burden others with my emotions and I didn’t want people to see me as an over-emotional feeler. 

Now I really just don’t care. I just don’t. It’s interesting how it changed in me. It seemed like one day I cared, and one day I didn’t, but I know that’s not how it worked. I just got tired of trying to hide it one day. I just got sick of holding in the tears one more time. I realized I'm broken just like everyone else.

And you know, there’s a lot of freedom when you just don’t care.  

I was thinking today about one of my favorite verses - “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” And it’s interesting that it’s not that Jesus set us free from bondage – although he certainly does. But his motivation behind what he did was all about what we would receive and not what we wouldn’t have anymore. 

I’m receiving relief from others’ expectations. I’m receiving release from bottling things inside. I'm receiving peace in knowing I'm broken, because it's OK, because being broken's not what it's about. Freedom cancels it out.

where, o death, is your victory?

John 15:

⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 

Matthew 13:

⁴⁴ “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

   ⁴⁵ “Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. ⁴⁶ When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. 

2 Corinthians 4:

 ¹⁶ We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

 ¹ For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ² Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, ³ because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴ For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵ Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Ecclesiastes 3:

¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

RVs, fear and names [Matthew 18:1-5]

“When we were children we’d play

Out in the streets just tempting fate

When we were children we’d say

That we don’t know the meaning of fear”

In yesterday’s newspaper (which I read this morning as I ate breakfast since I was too lazy to go outside and walk in the snow to get today’s paper) there is an article about a couple who decided to take a four month cross-country trip with their four kids, all under the age of 10. They have no house to return to, since their lease is up in March, but the couple is living out their dream to live simply and see the world. It was actually a really good article, and I suggest you read the whole thing here.

This is what Maile, the 33-year old mother said: “Just to be able to see as far as the headlights. Not being able to see what’s all out in front of you but having the faith to see what’s being shown to me now is enough. And that’s really what we’ve had to do. It’s an addictive way to life. It puts excitement back into our lives. Faith has carried us through.”

You really have to admire their sense of adventure. Maile said that going on this trip puts excitement back in her family's lives. It made me think of a few nights ago when I was talking with my closest friends. Thinking out loud about what I wanted to do with my life, I mentioned how I was envious of people my age who were married and were starting families because they are almost forced to settle down and get a stable job. I, on the other hand, still have no idea what I want to do, and I can literally do anything I want. It’s inspiring, but it’s scary. I have all these things that I want to do but am not sure how they will all play out. 

I am always so worried that my getting older will taint the visions that I have for changing the world. I am worried because I have seen it happen to so many people. Once, an adult who is very close to me attempted to heed me warning. “I was young once, too. I thought I could change the world, too,”  they said as they placed their life regrets onto me.

That’s the thing, though - I want to change the world. I don’t even want to change the whole thing. I just want to change something. There are so many things not right, God surely has something for me to do. I know He put me on this earth to redeem this one thing. And the best part is, I'm not even going to do it. He has already begun it in me, and will carry it out to completion. I can be so inspired by people like the family who is getting rid of everything to live in a RV to travel the country. But I get lazy. The whole reason I am writing this is because I didn’t even want to go outside this morning to get today’s paper.

Does laziness come from fear? 

My name, Jill, means “youthful”. When I found out my name’s meaning in 3^rd or 4^th grade, I was jealous of my friends who all seemed to have much cooler name meanings. One night when I was in high school, I confessed this to my sister. She, in her wise and encouraging perspective, responded, “I think your name has an awesome meaning, Jill. It means that you’ll have a childlike spirit even when others’ views have been tainted.”

How many times does Jesus say we need to look to children for how to fully understand how life should be? Jesus offers a kingdom with freedom and love in complete perfection, and He says I need to be like a child in order to receive it. 

Children know no fear. Their innocence has not been tainted. They laugh. They run and play and jump and squeal and get dirty and bruise their knees and don’t care. They use their imagination. They build and create. Sure, they cry and scream and throw fits, but it’s only when something inhibits them from simply enjoying the life they’ve been given.

I am claiming my name as "youthful." What does God want to name you?

(lyrics above taken from this song)

death

“A penny for my thoughts, no, I sell them for a dollar

They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I’ve been singing

Funny when you’re dead how people start listening”

There’s a song on the radio that plays pretty regularly. I hummed along with it the first few times I heard it, but when I sat and listened to the lyrics I realized I didn’t like it. The song’s about a premature death. The song itself is not that morbid, even though the idea behind it is, but I find it strange that this single on the radio gets so many plays. The song doesn’t give too many details about why the girl is dead, it could be suicide or just an accident, but it is strange that the tune is pretty lighthearted. It’s interesting that even though the singer gives specific instructions on how she should be buried, she also tells her mourners to save their tears for a time they’ll really need them. A song about death should be sad, but this one isn’t really.

The lyrics above especially stuck out me when I listened to the song because I started thinking about what they actually meant. I started thinking of all the people who have died for something they really stood for. Dr Martin Luther King, Jr, Gandhi, Stephen, Muslim extremists, Mother Teresa, Abraham Lincoln, the activists at Tahrir Square… they all had various motivations, but the point is that what they stood for, their ideas and beliefs, were only brought to light even more so once they died. Their death brought awareness.

Steve Jobs was no martyr, but I can tell you that on October 4, 2011 I had no idea who Steve Jobs was, and on October 5, 2011 I could not go online, pick up a newspaper, or glimpse at a magazine without reading his name. Even though I didn’t really care, I heard all about how he how his innovative and creative thoughts affected the common people. His death brought this to light.

I thought of all this as I was driving and listening to this song, and for a few quick seconds I honestly thought of killing myself with a carefully written out suicide letter containing all that I believe and stand for. It would include how God is love and how he desires his kingdom to come through us, and how his kingdom is peace and justice and rightness. It would include the importance of diversity, living a life with purpose and goals and vision, going outdoors, being a life-giving presence to others, and choosing joy. And it would end by saying that only Jesus brings true freedom.

I never really came to the conclusion that killing myself was necessarily a dumb idea. There are things that I believe in that I really think are worth dying for. I can die every day. I can share this message with my life every day, and I don’t have to die a physical death to do it. I just have to give my life to God day in and day out. He will use it for his purposes and his kingdom. And it is only when I give my life completely to him, that he can do whatever he wants with it to display his glory. 

He does it better than I could, anyway.

how do you explain love?

I like to be understood. I hate walking away from a conversation feeling like I could have explained myself better. I mull over it for hours, and I do it often. And I HATE it about myself.

So many times I wish I could just move on from whatever conversation I wasn’t satisfied with. So many times I just want to let go my feelings of contempt for the person who I feel explained themselves better than me. So many times I wish my brain would slow down enough in those moments so that instead of thinking, I could never explain what I’m thinking, I’ll just let them think they’re right, I wish I would just say, “OK, well actually, I was thinking…” 

I am reading right now a book that a friend lent to me about a girl named Katie who is 22 who moved to Uganda after she graduated high school. She had literally no plans with her life there, but ended up becoming a kindergarten teacher to 138 students, starting a nonprofit to sponsor kids to go to school, and adopting 14 of her own children. All by the age of 22. My age. It astounds me when I read her writings. She was so wrecked by what she confronted in Uganda juxtaposed to her lavish American lifestyle – kids who grew up eating cakes of salt and mud just to fill their stomachs, caring for multiple siblings with disease, unable to go to school to end the cycle of poverty. And in this book, Katie emphasizes over and over and over the love that God has for her that she can extend to others.

Tonight, I had both of these experiences – the “I’m so mad at myself because I don’t know why I let myself walk away without explaining” and the “I’m so inspired by Katie’s story, and I want to share the love of God like she does” thoughts. And so after praying for a bit, asking God if he could show me why I care so much about what others think of me, about why I always need to explain myself… I simply heard, Jill, I love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just love you. I just love you.

And when I get a small glimpse of God’s love, and it overwhelms me, I just accept who I am for who he has made me to be. I smile - I'm loved despite who I am.