Lots of tears have been shed over
the past month and a half. Many of them have been sad tears. Some of them have
been happy tears. Other times, they’ve been healing tears. But really, I have
just been crying a lot.
I realized just how much I had been
crying when a couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting in church and listening to
the message and felt the ducts in my eyes filling up. And normally I would have
tried my best to push them back and fight to keep a straight face, but this
time I just let the tears come freely. And the people around me had no idea
why, but I did it anyway, not quieting my sniffles and not stifling my emotions.
This is something new to me. I am
used to crying when things get really bad. And that’s about it. Up until a few
weeks ago, I apologized for crying in front of others. I didn’t want to burden
others with my emotions and I didn’t want people to see me as an over-emotional
feeler.
Now I really just don’t care. I
just don’t. It’s interesting how it changed in me. It seemed like one day I cared, and one day I didn’t, but I know that’s not how it worked. I just got
tired of trying to hide it one day. I just got sick of holding in the tears one
more time. I realized I'm broken just like everyone else.
And you know, there’s a lot of
freedom when you just don’t care.
I was thinking today about one of
my favorite verses - “it is for freedom that Christ has set us
free.” And it’s interesting that it’s not that Jesus set us free from bondage –
although he certainly does. But his motivation behind what he did was all about what we
would receive and not what we wouldn’t have anymore.
I’m receiving relief from others’
expectations. I’m receiving release from bottling things inside. I'm receiving peace in knowing I'm broken, because it's OK, because being broken's not what it's about. Freedom cancels it out.
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